you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
