I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
