tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I am one with the molecules
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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