he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
my liver is dry heaving
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
