She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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