I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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