remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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