cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
