I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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