after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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