I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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