it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
