last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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