Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
