We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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