my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
