So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
