In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
