I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
