Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
