we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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