This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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