On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
