Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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