So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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