I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
