I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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