Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
