Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
