remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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