i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
