i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I didn't notice because vodka
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
