I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
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Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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