mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
