We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
