Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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