i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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