i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
