I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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