When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
