Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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