just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
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id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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