that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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