What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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