the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
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I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"