i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
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there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires