First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
