I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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