she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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