I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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