I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just found puke in my bra..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
