I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
