so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
