Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
