he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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