im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
